Funny (but Offensive!) Horoscope: The Dirty Truth About Each Sign. Part 2.

Part 1 can be found here

LIBRA

Briefly – a damn aesthete. Can’t make up their fucking mind about anything and like to go on about Picasso-Shmicasso and  “Oh, Holy art!” yet they can’t be bothered to take the trash out of the house when it’s full.  All their adult life they run around in search of the bright ideal and so they can’t find time to learn how to cook or sew buttons. Libras like to dress up meanwhile annoying the hell out of everyone around choosing between tha-a-a-t one with pearl buttons and thi-i-i-s one with silk stitching. They don’t mind sleeping around even if they have a permanent partner and explain their infidelity by the fact that in their heart they’re always true to the One and the body is just the fetid dust of being and doesn’t mean anything. 

All-in-all these bastards are chasing the peace of mind that’s so important to them but is basically unattainable because their slutty nature always outweighs the highly spiritual ideals. Like all indecisive fuckers they often suffer from nervous diseases like psoriasis and gastritis. Envious, but not malicious. Libras tend to stick their ass out for someone and do it solely out of masochistic love for humanity, not with the goal of getting something out of it. They usually look gentle and sad and tend to awaken a dangerous desire to caress them and take under your wing which should not be done under any circumstance because Libras can brain-fuck you harder than all the other signs combined. They are in a constant state of cognitive dissonance between reality and wishful thinking because they’re suckers.

SCORPIO

The sex-terrorist. When there’s no one to fuck they start brain-fucking, usually themselves. They’re constantly gushing with all sorts of delusional ideas, narcissistic to the point of shitting themselves, and are ready to stare into the mirror at their reflection all day long with a tender smile stating that there is definitely no one more beautiful in the world. Hysterical, and somehow do not hesitate to flaunt it. Their only interest in life is  fucking and their own precious selves… well, in some cases they show interest in people who are interested in them. Good-natured, if you don’t try to borrow money from them. By the way, they love money almost as much as they love themselves and know how to earn it. 

These bitches are super-secretive. Getting information out of Scorpio that they don’t want to divulge is almost as difficult as marrying off a fifty-year-old virgin. These two-face assholes are constantly thrashing about choosing  between high ideals and the desire to play a rotten trick on someone. In their desire and ability to break through a brick wall with their forehead Scorpios can only be compared with Aries. Often they choose the same stupid goals but do not give up out of principle. They stoically endure all the shit that permanently happens to them because they know  they deserved it. In general, they give off an impression of a terrible, loud, menacing and formidable creature but deep down they’re white, soft and fluffy.

SAGITTARIUS

Sagittarius is another zodiac clusterfuck. The personal opinion of a Sagittarius is bound to become the ultimate truth for everyone who happens to be nearby. They express it willingly, often, and even when they are strongly advised not to do so and are threatened to be hit in the face for it. They are genuinely perplexed if people take offense at them for this.

In general, these bitches are a very lucky sign in life which does not compensate for the constant lack of money. Sagittarius, despite their tendency for incessant verbal diarrhea, usually has a lot of friends who are keeping them, the poor things, fed and warm. And all this because they know how to deftly pretend to be a kitty-cat, especially when their mouth is busy with food. Their main drawback is that they can not shut up telling everyone the truth about everyone and sometimes get carried away for which, again, they often get beat up. They are prone to all forms of drug addiction as well as religious fanaticism, which is essentially the same thing. They’re kind but you can never tell it right away.

CAPRICORN

At first glance – miserable shit (C). Capricorn’s motto is “No matter how fucked up it was today, tomorrow will probably be even worse”. These bitches keep the cheerful mask on so as not to get in trouble for being so grim but all the same they do (get in trouble). Capricorn comprehends happiness in only one way – they work like hell. An idle Capricorn is a dead Capricorn. If they are not able to work, they will still come up with a lot of strange things to do because without work Capricorn can not achieve Zen, and a Capricorn who does not achieve Zen is a Cancer. Do you really want that?

In the beginning they seem meek and even tame but at the first convenient opportunity they will ram their gnarled horns right up your ass and they will do it with special pleasure if you are a Gemini or a Leo – they can not stand  these signs for inappropriate playfulness. Capricorn is a smart-ass. Stingy – but not always. They feel best when they’re hugging a money bag. They like to tease and pick on people and don’t stop even when the situation gets hot but they do the picking so well that the fuckers are surprised themselves when they manage to get away with it. In general, they’re not that evil although they definitely look it. When choosing partners, they’re guided mostly by common sense and calculation so in family life these jerks are happier than anyone else.

AQUARIUS

Special features – everyone, well, absolutely every scum likes them as if they’re made of gold. When it comes to chatter they’re a worthy competition for the Gemini. They’re  eager to communicate, even in an unfamiliar company, like a sailor after a long voyage is eager to get to the red light district. They always have the look of someone who fell out of a tree and this is what fascinates others. Aquarius has the slight flair of being fucked-up in the head and their inexplicable charm attracts crowds of silly enthusiastic fans. Even if everything goes through the ass in the life of Aquarius, they manage to give out advice to others and some-fucking-how the advice works! 

With all the visible and tangible fluffiness and awesomeness they are potentially great criminals. Aquarius is always a con artist even if only in their dreams. There is no Aquarius without criminality in their dark and shadowy past. They break the law without any remorse and even, I’m not afraid of this word, with pleasure. At the same time, these bitches understand perfectly well unlike, for example, Gemini that it is not kosher to do so but they don’t give a fuck. They look like a cross between the Mad Hatter and Marilyn Monroe.

PISCES

There are two types of the Fish: the devils straight out of hell who have become blinded by their own unscrupulousness, and the angels who are faithful, truly kind, with unshakable morals. And the vile kind of Pisces, as a rule, is  forgiven for everything they do, while the angelic martyr Pisces irritate others with their unattainable holiness and sanctity. 

They can sleep around so much it is scary but to catch them in the act or make them admit to it is harder than to see a wrinkled dogfish. Until the very last moment, you will look into her honest, tearful eyes and keep believing. Pisces are soulless assholes with no moral principles. They tend to bullshit everyone even when there seems to be no need to thicken  the fog and mislead people but you don’t feel offended for this as Pisces have terrible pangs of conscience. 

This is a common thing for them and sometimes their conscience tortures them even for what they did not do. They tend to idealize people and afterwards resent them for being assholes. They can suddenly start taking revenge on the world around them in an abstract and fucking idiotic way. It is touching to see them live in their illusions and even when they turn out to be scum and douchebags  they are still unwittingly forgiven for their utter inability to live in our material world.